by (/-\)nniina Loves U

Family Ties – Whenever to Let Go

Ruth consulted with me considering she was confused regarding what to do regarding her mom, her brother, plus her son.

From the time Ruth was born, she not felt like she belonged inside her family. Her mom ignored Ruth, clearly preferring her brother, plus consistently enabled her brother to beat Ruth up. Ruth had certain connection along with her dad, however, he had been a weak guy plus not stood up for her or secure her.

Ruth had been a loving child plus tried in almost any means she might to please her mom plus brother, to no avail. She may not know why her family didn’t like her.

As an adult, she married an emotionally unavailable guy, a guy a lot like her mom. As along with her mom plus brother, she tried inside countless methods to receive his love plus not succeeded. Her son, Dylan, was 8 years of age whenever they divorced.

Dylan constantly appeared to choose his dad, plus finally went to reside with his dad whenever he was sixteen. When again, Ruth was completely inside the dark regarding why her son didn’t like her. She had been these a committed mom, thus why was he rejecting her?

Ruth finally married again, this time to a loving guy, plus had another child. Her active family was totally different from her past family plus from her family of origin. But, she nonetheless hoped to have a relationship along with her mom. She might send her mom birthday plus Christmas cards, however, seldom heard from her. The final blow which transferred her to find my aid came whenever she discovered which her son had gotten married without telling her, plus which her brother had moved her mom into a nursing house plus sold everything without telling her.

Ruth became a shining light of love. Her eyes, her smile, her gestures all radiated love plus compassion. Her deeply gentle plus peaceful nature was obvious at initial glance.

“Why? Why don’t they like me?” she asked.

“Because you’re a giver as well as are takers,” I told her. ‘Givers care regarding others, whilst takers only like to take from others. You are able to not provide enough to a taker to get any caring back, considering they don’t like themselves. They refuse themselves plus try to receive others to provide for them. Because they have emotionally abandoned themselves, they are angry at others for not providing enough for them. The mom plus brother were united inside their taking from we, because were the initial spouse plus son. They consider we plus see a fountain of love from we plus they wish it, even so they are unable of getting it. Your light contrasts with their darkness as well as detest we for it.”

“But what may I do?”

“Nothing, additional than not be about them. They can suck the lifetime from we should you enable those to invest time along with you. I know we care regarding them, even so they are unable of caring regarding themselves or we, thus you need to allow them go. It is not inside a highest superior to be with individuals that are unable of valuing we – whom really like to take from we.”

“But can’t I assist them?”

“No, considering they are not asking for aid. I recognize we have believed which should you simply love them enough, they can heal plus love we back, nevertheless this may not arise considering they are not available to the love. They feel inadequate inside the face of the open heart plus their shut hearts, plus they take their self-judgment out about we. There is nothing you are able to to do to aid them open their hearts. Only they will do which. It is unlikely a mom or brother can ever open their hearts, however maybe the son can inside time. He comes to we when he does.”

“But I have these a awesome lifetime today. Isn’t it selfish of me to only allow them go?”

“No, it happens to be self-responsible. It is not loving to oneself to be about individuals whom treat we severely.”

Ruth understood. She felt sad, nevertheless relieved. She finally saw which all she might do was pray for those to open their hearts.



    I’m 28 and I feel blessed to be healthy, have a good job and live with the love of my life. However, I’m scared that I’m losing my mind because of the traumatic experiences I had. I cut off my family a year ago. After a messy divorce, my dad used me as his ATM, emotionally blackmailing me whenever I refused to lend him money and my mom treated me like I was her rival. All my life, she put me down and saw me as a threat. My brother and sister are selfish and very materialistic. So many people said “But they are your parents!” and expected me to put up with harmful behavior just because!

    Since my family was so crappy, I chose to focus on making myself happy, put myself through college, worked hard and realized my dream of becoming a successful tv reporter. When my relatives started seeing me on tv, they assumed they could extort me for money and tried to guiltrip me into giving them money. I initially gave them money but recently decided to stop being used.

    The only person who truly loved me was my grandfather, but he died 3 years ago and it devastated me to the point that I got very sick but I’m better now. I always focused on moving on but I’m haunted by painful memories. I’m lucky to be engaged to the most amazing guy in the world but I’m still a little sad to not have a family. My mom told me God would punish me for being a bad person. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night with anxiety. I don’t want to feel guilty anymore, especially if one of my parent dies. They never cared about me. How do I stop caring about them?

  2. Mc L -

    Okay, I’ll try to keep this as simple as possible. My boyfriend’s ex has a two year old son by him, but they broke up before she even knew she was pregnant and she has never made any attempt whatsoever to have him involved in the child’s life. In fact, she has had another man raising the child and tries to go out of her way to deny my bf is the baby’s father whenever anyone asks (although they are TWINS in the looks department, NO doubts whatsoever to anyone who has seen them both and has eyes). Anyway, they aren’t on ‘bad’ terms per say but she does avoid my bf at all costs. She basically told him to get lost when she first found out she was pregnant and he tried to find out if it was his, and we don’t have the $ to drag her to court so forced visitation isn’t an option.

    Now, here’s the dilemma; I am two days overdue with my bf’s child, a little boy. I would like for my child and their son to at least know who each other are, I feel like it is their right to know their own siblings. I’m not worried about baby-mama-drama, I have no problem whatsoever with the ex or her child and my interest is purely in the children knowing each other. I need advice, I don’t know how to contact her. I don’t think she would respond to my bf since she seems hell bent on avoiding him but then again I don’t know how she would respond to me either. I’m not talking about overnight getting together and bfff’ing or whatever but maybe inviting each other’s child to the other’s birthday parties or playdates, something along that line when my baby is old enough.

    She doesn’t know me and we have no issues or anything, and she seems nice from what I can tell from what others have to say about her. I just want to be as mature as possible and do what’s right by our children. Any advice?
    No she isn’t in contact with anyone. She did see my bf’s mom and tried to say “Oh, we should totally visit blah blah” but never followed through with it. I was going to wait til the kids were older to even attempt any contact, I agree with you about the confusion and I don’t want that. I’ve just been thinking about it alot since I’m about to have my baby and was wondering what I should eventually do.
    Also, we live in an extremely small town so there’s pretty much no way the kids won’t meet at some point once they get in school so I feel like I don’t really have the option of doing nothing. What if the kids meet on their own? It seems kind of cruel to not tell them they are related but it also seems cruel for them to know but never get to spend time together like “oh, thats my brother what’s his face”
    *Nobody said anything about ‘forcing’ her into anything. I wasn’t talking any time soon or even remotely soon, as in when MY kid is four or five. Eh. They will find out sooner or later I’m just hoping for the best.

    *It did sound a lil harsh but I get what you’re saying. I’m not trying to force anything on the girl/her son, that’s why I asked what other people thought lol.

    *LJ- NOBODY is ‘only’ concerned for my child, why the Hell would I want to cause the other little boy anguish, you assume I don’t care about him which is a LIE. My boyfriend has tried to get into contact with this girl and she will not speak to him let alone anything else, so how is it his fault? What do you want him to do, put child support in a bottle and sling it into her window every month? You obviously didn’t read the post and if you can’t contribute anything intelligent then why bother saying anything. You sound like a bitter lunatic with a mental problem and I

  3. jdubdoubleu7704 -

    I was born in Romania and when I was about 4 or 5 my cousin raped me . He was like 14 or 15 . I don’t exactly remember what he did but I know his penis came in contact with my vagina . Wether he stuck it in or just rubbed it on it … I don’t remember . This happened multiple times . Me and my parents lived with my cousin and my grandma and my dad, mom and grandmother would be at work and he would be babysitting me . I remember he would watch porn in front of me and have me watch it with him . He would touch me and just abuse me . When I was six , me , my mom , my dad and grandma moved to the US , leaving my cousin with his father . Later on in life i became more sexually involved than I should be but whenever I would do something sexual I would be sad and often cry about it later . In sixth grade I told my counselor about what had happened and she told me parents . I came home to my mom, dad , aunt and uncle . (other aunt and uncle not the cousins parents) and they asked me about it and talked to me and they found it hard to believe but I thought they believed me . Later on in 7th or 8th grade I found out that they didn’t . I talked to my mother and she said that she did and it took a while but she explained why the others didn’t . She said that they’re in denial about they’re angelic nephew who was so young at the time, they think that he wouldn’t have done something like that . They think that they payed really well attention to us . . The thing that hurts the most is my father and aunt still talk to him all the time like nothing happened . I remember a couple months ago I was in my sisters room about to put her to sleep and my aunt walked in with the iPad trying to call him on skype … I instantly ran out crying . I’m now 16 and just recently this has really been bothering me . I’ve been crying before bed thinking about it and I’ve already had 3 dreams this week about different little girls getting raped .

  4. ttocs -

    They are nothing but a huge liability. Why don’t we just stop sending money to the middle east and let them kill each other off like they’re doing in Syria? It would certainly benefit the world if there were less muslims in it.

  5. Anny -

    Okay well to start off ever since I was 5 years old, I wanted a Siberian Husky. I always thought they were the prettiest dogs. Eventually, we got a dog when I was 6. She is a mixed breed,and is now 9-10 years old. She is a small dog (30 pounds), an is very protective over my family. But she is winding down, and getting older. She doesn’t like to run that much anymore, but she still LOVES to go on walks. Then, almost two years ago, my mom played with my aunt’s Golden Retriever and she fell in love with them. So we got a Golden Retriever, and she will be 2 years old in November.

    Anyways, all my life I’ve wanted a husky. When I was in 4th grade, I even saved all my money to get one, but my parents said no, because we already had a dog. We have a medium sized yard, and up the street we have a GIANT field we walk the dogs up to everyday. And, my dad always takes the dogs in the woods to walk, and to the parks. I always help bathe, and feed the dogs. I also love to play fetch with my Golden Retriever. I know 2 big dogs, and a small dog is a lot for a house our size, but I just want to know a way to convince my parents to let get one, I would even pay to get it fixed.

    I have also read up on husky, and know a lot of facts about them.

    Thank You.

  6. Random -

    It’s rather long please bare with me …I’m 20 years old currently studying at university, however there have been some problems at home it started with my Family finding out about my ex-bf and like any normal Asian family they were really pissed (this was round last year) my brother decided that I don’t need to be in touch or talking to anyone and I didn’t need my phone and so snatched it off me. I didn’t care about it at the time it made no difference to me or so I thought.

    Anyway fast forward to this year April I decided to get an ‘undercover’ phone due to having a presentation at uni I needed to contact fellow students that I was working with anyway I only decided to have for 2 weeks or so and I would five it back however meanwhile I guess I was out and my brother saw me with the phone.

    When I got home my family were waiting for me and asked me if I had a phone, I denied it as it wasn’t mine and I knew if I gave it up they’d take it away and I intended to give it back not keep it. Regardless my brother wanted to search my room and I let them because the phone was in my bra. When my brothers didn’t find anything in my room they asked my sister to do a body search on me which obviously lead to the phone being found and everyone went through my messages without my consent.

    There wasn’t anything in my messages just me talking to my friends but they weren’t happy to say the least and gave me 3 options which were basically: If I have someone (i.e. a boyfriend) I get married which I didn’t so I said no and the second was if I wanted to stay in the house I’d have to live under their rules or 3 just leave and get disowned I said I wanted to know what the rules were and they said (my siblings ) that they’ll make a list the next day and give it to me.

    I would’ve chosen to leave but I didn’t have a place to go to so I adhered to their rules which consisted of not being allowed to go anywhere without an adult that includes going uni n definitely no phone and no Internet without supervision n obviously no going out with friends and I can not have a job either…anyway I didn’t have no other option so I had to agree and to all the rules they are still in place I’m using the net on my mums phone she doesn’t know I’m on it for this purpose or I would be in alot of trouble with my siblings. I use mums phone or sisters laptop whenever I can.

    I think that I really want to leave so I can live and build my own life on my terms but despite everything I’m still super-close to my family and I don’t want to hypothetically leave and in a couple of months time end up depressed and struggling with finance and work and all the other responsibilities in life I’ve never had to pay a bill so suddenly moving out and doing everything for myself is going be really difficult.

    I guess my question is it wrong of me to want to leave? My family are religious and it’s a close nit community. The social expectations are ridiculously high compared to that of a Western culture I was born and bought up in London however my parent maintained their culture and religion as they should but me leaving will cause a lot of ‘slandering’ sorry I can’t think of a less dramatic word.

    Leaving would mean cutting ties with my family as they don’t believe in women moving out unless they are married, which is what my family want me to do. Which makes me think me wanting to leave is a bad I idea as I’d have no-one and nowhere to go if I ever got stuck either financially or emotionally. I’m young and really don’t want to get married I want to finish my degree and get a job and stand on my own two feet I like to think I’m a bright person.
    I’m not in a relationship and don’t intend to get into one with everything going on. My family are not paying for my education I am doing that via a student loan. My family won’t ‘kill’ or ‘hunt me down’ if I do leave they are extremely controlling but not violent. It’s very hard for me to be happy within myself, I’m always depressed and down. I wake up in the morning wishing to be somewhere else, I miss not being able to experience what every other 20 uni student is. A big part of me want to leave as soon as possible and get myself mentally and physically fit and another part of me is just scared that this is the wrong thing to want. I’m stuck between what I want and what my family want

  7. airdogspace2 -

    Ok so I’m 16 turning 17 and have never had a boyfriend. I get asked out on dates all the time but never say yes because I know my mother would kill me. The only real time I went on a date I had to beg her to let this guy take me to my prom. She gets mad whenever she sees my friends hugging guys or she reads my texts and reads that one of my friends is dating and flips out saying they are a bad example. She says I can have a boyfriend when I am 19 and when I do she has to meet him and his family And I she doesn’t like him, she won’t let me date him. And I know when I’m 18 I can do what I like but in my fAmily it is a disgrace to move out before you are married. And I really want to go out without my neighbor and my mom refuses, what can I do?!
    I am a good girl with good grades and I have a good relationship with my mom and I really don’t want to lie. Whatever I do she figures it out
    I have tried to reason with her but she thinks if I date I will go off and have sex, and I have told her
    So many times that I wouldn’t and that she needs to trust me

  8. Cupcakerum -

    I know this sounds horrible and I do see a therapist… i’m not a rebelling teen either, I am almost 30. here’s the problem. My dad lives very close to me and my Mom lives in another state. I almost never see my dad. He never calls to spend time with my son who is 2 and even when I make repeated calls he will continually make plans and cancel them. Even when I can get him to meet with me he talks on his phone and stares at his watch the whole time only saying “hmmmm” every once in a while. My mom talks to me frequently on the phone but she doesn’t really seem to care about anything besides whatever new boyfriend she has. She constantly makes comments about my parenting, my looks, my weight. Even though I never have to ask for money and pay my bills, live on my own, she always makes comments about “Why I couldn’t have a lady- like job” (I’m a mechanic). She makes comments about my weight like when I went to the beach to visit for Christmas after I had had my son she tried to make me get on a scale in front of everyone and was laughing and pushing me on it. Then today I was talking to her ad told her I had lost all the weight and was down to 133 (I’m 5’3″ but big chested) All she said was “You’re only a little bigger than me now.”
    I just get so sick of them. All they do is put me down, they never help with my son. Whenever I get excited about something I want to tell them but whenever I do they just crush my happiness. i was thinking about taking a job in another state and moving away and cutting ties… finding a nice man and starting my own family but I am afraid when my son gets older he will hate me for it. All I want to do is protect him from being hurt like I am. My brother moved away and doesn’t talk very much to them either. Maybe once a month.
    Do you think this is wrong? I know I have tried talking to them… it does no good. What do you think I should do?

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